Courage is not the lack of fear

( The Boy Who Went Forth To Learn Fear )

[Blocked from the Reeses]

Ever since I landed in Moscow on Wednesday evening, I've felt like I'm dreaming. Maybe it's the 20h flight. I just... never expected this, I guess. I didn't expect Vegas, so how could I have expected Russia? It's just so... different. Not exactly the place you'd choose to have your vacation. Suddenly mine and mum's trip to Hungary seems amazing. On the plus side, I've seen that famous church. Always something.

[/block]



[Locked to Dimitri]

Dimitri, as much as I enjoy your country, you need to... I don't know, at least show up. I can't walk around here not knowing what I'm doing.

[/lock]

I can't complain about the Vegas weather, but I do tend to miss New York whenever my friends call me up. Thanatos keeps me busy when work doesn't - which to be fair is very seldom - so there's always something to do around here.

The pup's being awesome, mostly. I think the three Rotties confuse him at times, but he tends to come back as carefree as ever. I swear he's growing by the day, too. And I haven't quite been able to keep him out of bed at night, should maybe deal with that, but it's just really nice to have someone to snuggle up against you. Even waking up with a wet nose in your face or a paw pressed against your neck is something I can deal with.

[Forward-dated to Valentine's Day]

Oh my god. Dimitri got me a freaking puppy. A Siberian Husky puppy. He's insane.

( Clearly insane and also adorable. )

Once again, Dimitri is insane.

I'm dying for a game of dodgeball right now. I don't even know where I got the idea, but if I could have one wish granted right now, I'd want a dodgeball game.

I... I forgot my own birthday. I forgot my 23rd birthday. It was Wednesday, January 12th. I didn't even have phone calls to remind me, because I've mislaid my phone. It feels kinda surreal. You'd think you'd remember your own birthday. I guess the casino reports and everything just... pushed it out of my mind.

Well... Happy birthday to me.

What a fucking job I stumbled into. Not your regular nine-to-five drag. When the work phone isn't ringing during the day, my own phone is ringing during the evenings. My friends are all amazed and surprised at my sudden move to Vegas, and mum won't stop worrying either. It's amazing, the difference between her and dad's reactions. He's sensible about it - she definitely isn't.

And the people. The people I work with. My god. Craig wasn't late to put me to work once I got back from New York, that's for sure.

I'm still not quite at home here. The sooner the better, but it's kind of a big thing to have happen.

2010 definitely got potential to be interesting.

Dimitri's being too goddamn stubborn for his own good. Seriously, I don't wanna go anywhere with him tomorrow. Not like I have a choice, but... he's like the little brother I never wanted right now. Apart from the fact that brothers usually don't kiss you. Ah, fuck.

Hopefully New York will distract me. Gonna be interesting to put to my parents that I'm staying in Vegas indefinitely. Hey, at least I've got a job. That's something, right? And what a job. At least it's not college.

[Private]

So I've been here for two weeks. I wasn't even gonna stay one, and... now I'm stuck? Of course I'm stuck. Stuck with a British jackass, a Russian... I don't even know what he is, and another Brit who's, well, she's decent. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in fucking Las Vegas. I still don't know what to tell mom and dad. Or anyone else for that matter.

I need to get home. For a few days, at least. Wonder if I can appeal to any eventual kind side Craig might have. I just need two days or something. Hah, sounds likely.

[/Private]

Christmas was weird messed up interesting. Wonder what the New Year will be like. Not getting my hopes up.

Do you ever have one of those times when your life kinda fucks with you? I'm experiencing that lately. Seriously, a guy was killed outside my house on Thursday, I'm not kidding. And I know who did it. My neighbour, Mr Kowalski. It's kinda insane. And the police had a suspicious eye on me for a while because I said too much, but I think mom got me off the hook there. Rage outbursts help sometime. Mine, not hers.

I made my room look like a hurricane disaster site. I guess they think I'm mental now. Well, mental is better than being a suspect, anyway.

In related news, I'm going to Vegas. Got tickets to leave tomorrow. Gonna take a little break. School can manage without me for a while, it's soon Christmas anyway. Mom'll be worried, but I'll leave her a note.

It's gonna be interesting.

So, I'm finally home. Still covered in bruises and with reoccurring headaches and nausea, but the doctors decided I was well enough to come home. Mum's so jumpy I bet she'll take me to emergency if I say a word about something being off though. Oh, and dad's back from Chicago, so he's been here today. It's always funny watching him and Keller interact with each other.

My memory is back to normal too, for all I can tell.


[Private]

Goddamn it, it would have been easier not remembering. Am I supposed to just sit on what I saw, or what? He killed a guy. I mean, I have some survival instinct, I don't wanna get the same as that guy got. But it feels so wrong to just shut up about it.

[/Private]


Think I'll stay off unfamiliar routes in this town from now on. You never know who what you'll encounter in New York.

So, I'm hopitalized with a concussion. And I still don't remember how I got it, two days later. The doctor's say I'll probably get memory back eventually, but they can't say when. All I know at the moment is that my body is battered, my mother's hysteric and my father won't stop calling from Chicago. Last thing I remember is leaving home to go to Sandra's place.

I'd like to complain about how boring the hospital is, but at the same time it's kinda nice to be cared for so much. Only I can't enjoy it 'cause of all the nausea and dizzyness whenever I try to do anything. I can't even read. I drink water and sleep - hooray.

I wish I knew the reason for this concussion, so I could kick its ass. But now I have to stop writing, 'cause my head is killing me.

[Some time after 10pm, New York time, on Dec 1st]


Guys, you'll never guess what happened like, half an hour ago. Bye Bye Birdie was great, but you know what was even better? I ran into John Stamos outside as we were going home. Seriously, John effen Stamos. It was awesome! He signed my theatre programme and all. I didn't know what to say, I think I just blurted out how great he was, basically. I'm on the subway right now and I'm so excited, I'm glad I'm typing this and not writing by hand or it would all be a total scrawl that no one could read.

John Stamos, seriously! (I am such a fangirl...)

Keller is taking me to see Bye Bye Birdie on Tuesday. I don't know why he's still trying. I guess he expects me to ease up and be okay with him - what he doesn't get is that I'm totally okay with him, I just don't see any point in liking him. Mum does, that's good enough for me.

Nevertheless, it's gonna be fun to see the play. I have such a crush on John Stamos, seriously.

I just walked through Central Park in Google Maps. Have to say that the real deal is to be preferred. But it's a cool feature..!

Keller ignored my door. Again. That is to say, it was closed - for a reason - and he opened it. Surely I shouldn't have to lock my room to get privacy around here? He did it to offer to help me move to the dorms. It must have been his wishful thinking, since I'm not moving to any dorm. So yeah, that was nice of him. Not like he could have waited 'til dinner. Or maybe gotten his facts right.

Yeah, school. I don't know how excited I am for it. I liked travelling, but I guess this has potential too. We'll see, as always!